Almost three months ago, God brought me to the city of Hanoi. My friends would know I never wanted to come here. I have a plan of my own for my life. I wanted to start working, earn money, be able to buy the things that I want and treat my family with my first pay and all those dreams I had as a graduating student then. However, my plans are different from His plans for me. He gave me directions through His word, and at first I tried to bargain. But God kept on confirming His word to me over and over and over again in many different and unexplainable ways. I knew it was from God. No doubt, it was from Him. Sadly, I was just being the stubborn daughter :( After months of wrestling with God in prayer, I received it and followed it. (I can’t imagine how God can ever love and be so patient with someone as stubborn as me. Good thing, He did not give up one me:D) The night before I left Manila, a word was given to me which was again repeated a week after I arrived here in Hanoi on my first Sunday service.
For the first two months, I was so amazed with how God planned and ironed out everything for me. He sent me the right people who would help me continue my walk with Him in a new land. Even letting me meet people who I never thought I would meet. He gave me opportunities and enabled me to do things I never thought I could ever do or I would ever have the honor of doing. I was overwhelmed. I was excited. Totally hungry and desperate for more of Him!
Then two weeks ago, for some reason I could not disclose, I had to stop what I was doing. It broke my heart that I could not continue doing it.
I have been praying and praying to God for direction. I have just been staying at home most of the time. I don’t go out, I don’t explore the city of Hanoi and I don’t even have friends I can hang out with here aside from my young adults family from church who I don’t get to see that much either except our Thursday meetings. I don’t have a regular job here, I’ve just been helping my mom out in small ways that I can like editing reports and writing articles related to her work to at least lighten up her workload. But honestly, I think I don’t do that much of a favor for her either. In short, I’ve just been slacking off. I became lazy and inefficient. I started to feel disappointed in myself and what I’ve become for the past couple of weeks. I started to ask God, “Why am I here? Why did you bring me here? I’m not doing anything. What am I supposed to do? Where does this path lead to?”
I wanted to go back home in the Philippines and just do whatever plans I had before — find a job, earn money, etc etc. For the past couple of days, I contemplated over this. But as I did, His words which He gave me 3 months ago kept ringing on my head.
Just this morning when I was having my quiet time, I was again asking and praying and praying for direction on what to do. Then God spoke to me through His word:
I can feel the warmth of God’s embrace in my heart when I read this verse. That’s when I knew, it was Him. I wept. I cried realizing my selfishness of wanting to give in to my worldly and materialistic desires, my laziness and impatience to see the end of the road right away without wanting to walk through it. I realized how much I still have to change in terms of my attitude towards life and towards other people. If there’s one reason why God brought me here, I believe that would be because He is molding my character and preparing me for something. It isn’t easy. It’s painful, actually. But I knew I have to go through this to be able to live out the destiny that He has for me. If this is not my mission ground, I believe it’s my preparation ground.
I received a word from God. God gave me a word before I came here. I’ve seen some of it happen even just on the first weeks that I was here. I knew it was from Him and I believe EVERY WORD FROM HIM will come to pass. I knew I had a word – a promise – from God. I will cling unto it and stand firm in faith. There is no way I can or would go and turn away from that destiny He has for me.
I may not understand what God is doing right now, I may not see the purpose why things are happening (yet), but I will continue to walk this road with Him and live by faith.
We live by faith, not by sight. — 2 Corinthians 5:7
So now, I’m gathering myself together once again. Through His enabling grace I know I can do whatever it is God wants me to do.