I slept the whole day yesterday no wonder I can’t sleep right now and I wouldn’t really dare to if I want to attend my 7am class later :/ I don’t really know what got into me when I actually enrolled in such an early sched to think I’d have to put up with it the whole semester. Ugh. Getting up early is one of my most dreaded tasks. I just hate it, but I know I have to get used to it more so because I’m graduating soon (hopefully) and who knows what kind of sched my future job would demand from me.
Anyway, I didn’t blog today to rant. Sorry. Hahaha. Not being able to sleep tonight made me realize a number of things about myself, the people around me and my relationship with Him. I know this blog has been full of different things and has jumped from one theme to another — my fandom 2 years ago, language learning, travels, etc — but I have stopped somewhere at some point writing about kpop and fandom and such. I don’t exactly know why but maybe I just woke up one day and realized I can’t live like that forever. There’s much more to life than bumming in front of my computer. Reality just came knocking on my door one day and boom! I knew what I had to do — I have to live life, the real one. However, I don’t intend to delete those entries as it was part of who I was and it was part of the childhood I dearly cherish ’til now. I may still post some from time to time and look back on those memories when I was still a crazy little fangirl so innocent of this big, wonderful world. So yeah, the “ENTERTAINMENT” tab would stay there :)
Now, what’s left is about my everyday life which mostly includes my travel adventures and language learning journey. And yes, I’d definitely be updating in those areas.
Talking about my everyday life and personal thoughts, the past weeks have been really crazy for me. School stuff piled up. There were so many things to do with so little time. I’ve tried to keep up and it drained me. I got stressed out, depressed, frustrated which affected the way I take care of myself, how I connect with the people around me and most importantly, it affected my relationship with God. Still, I tried and tried. But seemed like I wasn’t doing it the right way. Though I was happy, I was still feeling empty. Things didn’t make sense. But looking back after that very tiring and energy-sucking period, I realized why I acted like that. Why I felt so weak that there wasn’t even a day I looked forward to. Mornings have been dull and nights are nothing but school, work and STRESS!!! I actually thought I can do it on my own, I will have to do it on my own and finish everything! I was too focused to get to the end as soon as possible. I was too focused that I forgot to stop and breathe. Then sacrifices were made and I sincerely regret to say this but unfortunately, I skipped Sunday services, quiet time and lifegroup activities were cancelled just so I can finish the things to be done. :(
And now it dawned on me why I have been such a mess. I was too caught up with everything that I needed to do not knowing I have actually neglected the most important thing. The only thing I needed and was actually craving for this whole time — my relationship with God. I’ve been so distant with Him lately and that’s what kept me from feeling the real joy of accomplishing those things. I tried doing things on my own when I shouldn’t have. And it could have been a lot easier and much more fulfilling if I only chose to take that walk with Him. But I didn’t. I chose to handle it my own. I thought I was in control of my own life. Apparently, I was wrong. Completely wrong.
Now, as one of my favorite song to listen to these days say:
I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
I’m losing control
Of my destiny
It feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go
-I’m Letting Go, Francesca Battistelli
This morning, I lifted it all up to Him. I will let go of all my worries and doubts about tomorrow. Whatever the future may bring, whether it be different from what I expected or not, I will hold unto my faith and believe that He is in full control, I need not worry. I just have to live everyday with His grace and the thought that everything I do should be for His glory and it will eventually lead me to the right direction.
I prayed and asked Him to hold my hand and my heart and never let go of me even if there would be this kind of challenging times again and I might actually loosen my grip. A few years back, I have forgotten Him, turned my back, had my own life and left. When I came back, He was there. Now I have lost my way again and came back and He’s still there. I picture Him standing there, right there where I’ve left, faithfully waiting for my return with open arms. He proved time and time again that He is and would forever will be our faithful Lord and Savior. How could I not fall in love with Him more and more each day and be amazed by His unconditional love for all of us?
My eyes are now welling up with tears as I write this. Such a wonderful realization. Such an amazing way to start the day and I intend to start every single day from now on with You, Lord :)
I’m a happy Christian full of God’s undying love for all of us.
**Okay, I have to cook and prepare my brother’s packed lunch now.